The
Cast of Irregular Players
Politics
is the art of the new—i.e., making old ideas sound like bold
innovative plans for the future.
Yet upon closer inspection, we discover that not only are we dredging
up tired, shopwarn slogans
and thinking with stale received ideas—we're repeating the same
mistakes we made in the past.
Your shrink would call these phenomena "patterns of behavior."
We literary types call 'em "themes."
And themes in cartoons come to life in the form of
CARTOON CHARACTERS!
Below
are a few of the critters you will see randomly addressing the most
pressing issues of the day with the upmost display of irreverence
and scorn. But they're kinda cute and charming, too.
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Unkle
800-Lb. Gorilla
Undeterred
by opposition and rather impatient to get things started, the
world's most powerful primate seeks to remake the world under
his leadership. The choice is clear. You're either with him
or he's against you.
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Dr.
Gabbels, Ph.D.
Professor in Ape-ology,
Fugginwit U.
The
complexities of the post-Soviet world of balkanized states,
rogue states, nuclear proliferation and entrepreneureal terrorism
require the formation of a new paradigm for American leadership.
To this end, Dr. Gabbels, in conjunction with his colleague
Unkle 800-Lb Gorilla, proposes a novel approach to international
relations: naked aggression.
"It's
better to do what you want now and apologize later than wait
for the world's consensus. In fact, it's better not to apologize
at all."—Dr. Gabbels
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Bling-Bling,
Investor,
Global Financier,
Albino Gorilla
As
Unkle 800-Lb Gorilla's brother, Bling-Bling recognizes the good
uses hegemonic power can be put to. Overseas investment in the
development of the Third World holds a particularly fond place
in his heart. Give him a sweatshop and 100 pubescent workers
willing to sew sneakers for pennies a day, and he'll.... Well,
just give it to him.
Currently
he can be found creating new synergies in Occupied Iraq.
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Dr.
Mentorr
The Smartest Man in The Universe
Idiots!
Look what you've done! I warned you this would happen! But did
you listen? Noo-o-o-o! "Why listen to the man with the
big brain? What does Mr. Smarty Pants know that we don't?"
Empires of wisdom rise and fall within my brain in the time
it takes you ninnies to negotiate the cap on a tube of toothpaste!
Dr.
Mentorr
A Bit of a Drama Queen
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Yakkety
Jack
Last
but not least, Jack is the unofficial mascot of the In Contempt
team. As host of several short lived cable talk shows—such
as "Spitball" and "The Yakkety Factor"—Jack
subjects his guests to a merciless grilling in the hopes of
tripping them up and revealing them for the incompetent chatterboxes
and malignant tumors they are.
Sadly,
Bill O'Reilly will not return his calls.
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