How NOT To Talk About Domestic Violence
I was really reluctant to do a cartoon about Chris Brown’s abuse of Rihanna. For one thing, domestic violence is not inherently funny (duh); and there is always the risk of hurting the feelings of someone who has been abused or triggering past trauma. My little comic strip may be irreverent, disrespectful to authority, blasphemous, and rude-crude-and-lude. But it should be clear to most of my readers that mocking victims of violence ain’t my shtick.
But the “national conversation,” as it were — or, really, the media-hyped blather — reached a level where I just couldn’t take it any more. I am not sure what the tipping point was. Speculation about how her beating will affect Rihanna’s career? Kanye and Mekhi circling the wagons? The complaints by some parents and teens about Rihanna reuniting with Brown? The report that some teens blame Rihanna for her abuse? (It is no surprise that these very teens are being abused themselves. Sadly.)
So, er, yeah, if I have mined any comedy gold from these horrible incidents, it is a bitter, mirthless humor. But then, my point isn’t really to make y’all laugh this time. I really hate the way these same behaviors pop up again and again. Our celebrity culture has magnified the callous, indifferent and misogynist attitudes people have toward violence against women — and were the tables turned, I doubt a male victim of abuse fare any better. I am glad Oprah and Robin Givens are trying to get some lemonade out of this situation. Hopefully it will do Rihanna some good — as well as the thousands (millions?) of obscure women in a similar situation.
UPDATE: And let’s not forget this most important line of questioning:
A more important question: “Can he learn to control his anger and not be a violent asshole?”
Update #2:
How low can the tabloid press go? How about rumors of a sex tape? With celebrity gossip news, there is no bottom. Or else it’s all bottom.
March 12th, 2009 at 12:35 am
[...] Contempt How NOT To Talk About Domestic Violence March 12, 2009Galt Gestalt March 10, [...]
March 12th, 2009 at 1:02 am
It’s important that every woman learn about the cycle of domestic violence. It is really frightening
that so many women get caught up in this and they can die as a result. Many times emotional / verbal
abuse is considered as not as serious or severe. Remember that words also hurt and can control. I know
I experienced stalking and didn’t realize this was just a precursor of the worst that could have followed.
I am forever grateful to a dear friend who confronted the idiocy of the stalker and put an end to that.
If it hadn’t been for her I might have been forever trapped in that cycle of control and power.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:29 am
Kanye West hates woman people!
March 12th, 2009 at 2:38 am
[...] Click through to read the whole cartoon. [...]
March 12th, 2009 at 5:52 am
Mom Blogs – Blogs for Moms…
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March 12th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Thank you for your reasonable treatment of this issue. I’ve been infuriated by the coverage and attitudes of people I might normally respect. You don’t ask to get hit, people. Hitting is never OK. Let’s all stop blaming the victim and expecting her to see the situation for what it is. And realize that abusers rarely lead with hitting — they break you down mentally long before they start escalating the violence. I love this comic and look forward to seeing more from you.
Also, the “she was asking for it” guy makes me laugh. Because that’s how I imagine the commenters to look as they type out crap like that.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Followed a link from Jezebel. Thanks for this comic – you took on a complex, difficult issue in a sensitive way which points out how fucked up many of these comments are.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Special thanks to you for pointing out that the teens who blame Rihanna/support Chris are likely victims of abuse themselves. It hurt my heart to see a photo of 2 girls outside the courtroom with their “I love Chris” signs. With that thinking, they will be prime targets for abusive men. I hope their parents sat them down that night; that is if their parents aren’t trapped in their own cycle of domestic abuse. *Sigh*
March 12th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you. This is the best way to address all the stupid comments that come out when domestic violence is in the spotlight. Also? Thank you.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Yes! Thanks so much for making this. You don’t need to have all the answers — just lay it all out so people can see how ridiculous so much of it is. I’m forwarding this to every teen I know.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Thank you so much for your comic. I appreciate you taking the time to point out all of the various levels of fail that have surfaced in the aftermath. (And the good, too!)
March 12th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Arg, I so want to link this on Reddit, but I get the feeling it’d be downvoted/flamed straight to hell. For such a liberal site, their grasp of this kind of thing is… tenuous, at best.
Nice to see there’s at least ONE dude in the world who actually considers stuff like “cycle of violence” and the like. =)
March 12th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
How is walking away from someone who beat the shit out of you “superhuman?” Most women get stuck in abusive relationships because its kept quiet or they believe they have no one to turn to or nowhere else to go; I don’t think any of that is true if Rihanna. She’s not stupid or retarded for staying with Chris Brown, but her walking away from the little piece of shit isn’t exactly a superhuman feat.
March 12th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Found you from Jezebel… yeah, and those people saying Rihanna is Caribbean and “you know how feisty they are”?!?! Makes me stabby. thanks for a treating the issue with the respect it deserves.
March 12th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
So when is the strip with Rihanna hitting him with a shoe coming out?
March 12th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
[...] How NOT To Talk About Domestic Violence March 12, 2009 Filed under: Uncategorized — INTJ_librarian @ 6:00 pm http://incontemptcomics.com/2009/03/12/how-not-to-talk-about-domestic-violence/ [...]
March 12th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
[...] that hasn’t happened — yet — but yesterday’s cartoon on the media/public discussion of the Chris Brown abuse of Rihanna might do it. So far about 5,000 [...]
March 13th, 2009 at 1:57 am
Kudos for using the active verb here – “he beat her”, instead of the sadly familiar “she got beaten”. Abuse isn’t a gift that is given; let’s change our language to reflect how horrible it is and to put the onus where it belongs, on the abuser.
March 13th, 2009 at 5:47 am
Way to take a complex issue and turn it into feminazi men bashing. Latest news is SHE hit him first, but the jury is still out.
Either way women are just as likely to be abusive as men and you are ignoring that side of the issue completely. It makes no difference that men are often stronger and ‘leave a mark’ more often, abuse is abuse and both genders need equal treatment when they are the abuser.
March 13th, 2009 at 6:29 am
Here we go: “But what about the *men*?” Yes, there are abusive women. Yes, abuse is wrong, no matter who perpetrates it. However, women suffer more abuse at the hands of men much more often. How many men do you find in shelters, hiding and hoping that their abusive wife doesn’t track them down? How many men end up in the ER with broken bones from abusive women? How many men are murdered when their abusive wife ignores a restraining order? Saying men just “‘leave a mark’ more often” completely trivializes the situation.
It’s not a complex issue. If she hit him, that was wrong. Hitting is never appropriate. But even if she hit did him first, he BEAT HER. There’s no justification for what he did.
March 13th, 2009 at 8:45 am
[...] political cartoonist Kevin Moore addressing the issue with sense. I couldn’t have said it better [...]
March 13th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Ladies you better get use to this, once Islam takes over domestic violence will be the norm.
March 13th, 2009 at 10:14 am
I’ve been quietly watching the comments since Alas, a Blog and Jezebel kindly linked to this toon, waiting for Teh Crazy to show up. It took awhile, because y’all have been very kind and funny (nice one, Omar). But Anonymous and Stop Whining finally brought it.
“Feminazi men bashing”? Really? If I were scripting dialog for a defensive MRA, I’d hesitate to use such verbiage, because it would be stereotypical. You must uncloud your thinking, young Jedi. Secondly, as Jana points out, Rihanna slapping Chris Brown is no excuse for Brown beating her nearly to death and sending her to the hospital. Or why even hit back at all? How about a simple, “Dude, don’t slap me!” Or walk away.
As for the slam against Islam — what the fuck are you even talking about? There is so much pig-ignorance packed in your comment, I don’t know where to begin. But let me guess: “socialist caliphate”? Obama’s gonna go all Manchurian Muslim on us and bring down Taliban tactics? Cuz 8 years of fundamentalist Christian rule was such a great time for women, sexual minorities, people of color and white guys who made less than $250K. Paranoid fantasies that aggrandize your wounded sense of entitlement aside, the “ladies” don’t seem to be in a mood to “get use” to beat downs. Funny, that.
March 13th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Thanks Kevin. You really nailed it, both in the original cartoon and laterst post.
March 18th, 2009 at 4:56 am
[...] How not to talk about domestic violence. And more of that. [...]
March 18th, 2009 at 10:22 am
“control his anger”…? Get real. Domestic violence is about control and power over folks, not because the abuser “loses it”. Men do not hit women because of anger and so-called ‘anger management therapy’ misses the poi8nt and is ineffective. (You don’t see Chris or other batterers hitting their manager or a cop, do you? They only hurt people they can’t get away with hurting.) They usually do it in a calculated fashion, when psychological violence and threats become less effective. Many of them isolate their prey, are careful not to leave marks, let her know exactly what she can expect – in an effort to try and make her responsible for what he CHOOSES to do, for material benefits.
Two great reads on this issue: Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That?” and Jones & Schechter’s “When Love Goes Wrong”